Crazy Mommy

I love my daughter down to the core, but sometimes she can really drive me nuts.


“I’m crying just so I can see how my mommy will react!”

Now that she’s a year old, I’ve noticed that my sweet little baby has been replaced with a real human being, complete with the ability to push other people’s buttons.

Although she’s still sweet 99 percent of the time, the remainder is spent testing her limits — throwing things on the floor then staring at me to see my reaction, touching things I specifically told her not to, and doing backbends when she does not want to get picked up. Fun.

When she gets into one of those moods, I approach the situation as calmly as possible.


“I want to tear my hair out!”

Other times, I just do a serene face to help my little darling calm down.



I think it’s safe to say that after a whole year of being a mom, I’m an expert at handling a fussy baby.


“Let’s just wait for daddy to come home.”

On those days, one thought keeps me going: I’m not here. I look forward to when I can finally step away from taking care of the baby and catch a break.  Mothers, I am learning, need a breather from the emotional rollercoaster that comes with the territory of raising a person.

So, I take a break. Maybe I can even devote some time to blog. Frankly, these breaks don’t last very long. I come running back to my baby because even if she can drive me crazy, I’m just a mess without her.


 “Waaaah. I miss my baby.”


Day 538: I told myself no pictures but…

I couldn’t resist. I encountered this painting by Eugène Carrière through one of my daily blog reads and it reminded  me so much of Hannah as a newborn.

via Marvelous Kiddo


This picture was taken on the day we came home from the hospital. My little three-day old, gingerly touching my bloated face.

Wish your mommy a happy birthday, Hannah. It’s my first with you around, and I can’t even imagine life before you. You and your daddy are the reasons why this is the best birthday ever.



Day 496: What Nobody Told Me About Motherhood

Sometimes motherhood feels like,

As I mentioned before, the only things I took care of before were a tomato plant and a dog. I have no idea what to expect when it comes to raising a human being and that uncertainty can be very stressful.

Other times, I swear motherhood is like,

A lot has been said about motherhood being a balancing act. You have to find time to take care of the baby, be a wife, run the household, maintain a career. Plus there are so many articles about how you can look good while doing all of these things.

All I can say is that there is no balance, especially during the first couple of weeks. I’ve learned from experience (I accepted a writing assignment that was due two days after I gave birth. Duh.) that if you try to have it all, you just end up doing a shoddy job at all of them.

Motherhood entails sacrifice. In my case, it means giving up work assignments and time alone. As far as looking good? Lies. I consider it a lucky day if I get to completely rinse the shampoo off my hair before having to run out of the bathroom.

Another lie? That parenting is a private affair.

Nobody told me that there’s parenting pressure. It’s like peer pressure, only 10 million times worse. Other people will inevitably have a say in how you are dealing with your kid. It can range from the subtle — “Oh, you just let your baby go through the hiccups. Some parents give their babies milk.” — to swatting your hand away as you’re cleaning up your child because they think you’re doing it wrong (yes, this has happened to me).

There’s also a self-imposed kind of pressure. I find myself eyeing other parents, gauging myself against them. I think, are they doing a better job? Since I didn’t get the fancy, Scandinavian designed strollers like they did, will my kid’s development be stunted?

I even spent a morning calculating the percentage of Facebook likes a picture of my child received to make sure that others get how pretty she is. In case you’re curious, based on the ratio of responses to number of Facebook friends, we’re at 13.8%. Not bad compared to the others who were at 10.4% and even 5%. Still there’s room for improvement so I’m thinking I should be more active in social networking sites.

You say neurotic? I say, try being a parent. There’s so much love in your heart for this little one that you just want to make sure, be absolutely sure, that you’re giving her the best because she deserves it.

Finally, nobody mentioned that no matter how stressful, frustrating, or exhausting it is, there’s is no feeling greater than seeing your baby’s big belly, changing her diaper, or smelling her tiny toes. Wait, other mothers have said that?

Well, it bears repeating.




Day 382: Look Who Arrived Two Weeks Early

Last Saturday, my heart expanded by six pounds, fourteen ounces. She redefines my life.



Day 352: Why Should You Marry a Geek?

Because only a geek can make you smile by saying something like this :

*Actual quote from my husband. He was a geek way before it became cool to be one.


P.S. Know your terms.

via Great White Snark


Day 348: Forgetting to Feed the Baby and Other Baby-Related Fears

We only have a few weeks left before we get to meet the Little One! I am now entering that phase when even the sight of little mittens and socks make me swoon. Were they always this cute?

While I spend a large chunk of my day daydreaming about how awesome it will be to finally hold my baby, I can’t help but have moments when I think I am way out of my league. This is a baby we’re talking about. A tiny, tiny human being. Do I have it in me to take care of this child? What if I am an evolutionary outlier and I don’t have maternal instincts? What if I accidentally drop the baby? I mean, what are my qualifications for taking care of anything in the first place? I had a dog and a tomato plant. I don’t even play Farmville because I dislike the commitment.

The other night, I was up until around 3am because I literally had one thought in mind: what if I forget to feed the baby?

It seems silly, really. My friends have assured me that the baby will not let you forget that he or she is hungry. Your eardrums will be reminded when it’s time for sustenance. But still.

I would be absolutely devastated if I scarred my child for life because of things I did or did not do. I’ve been reassuring myself with the thought that I am not the first woman to give birth. I mean, motherhood has been done before. If others can do it then surely, so can I, right?

But then I think about that time when I scarfed down a bag of Cheetos that I’m not supposed to have. Or that time when I delayed seeing my doctor by five days. Or that time when I forgot to drink my prenatal vitamins. The baby isn’t even here yet and I’m already letting her down.

Everyone has been telling me that all mothers, especially first-timers, experience some level of anxiety. “You’re going to be fine”, they say. My husband, so soothing and supportive, tells me that motherhood is not about doing things perfectly. The baby just needs to be loved.

That’s probably the most reassuring thing ever, because I’m pretty sure perfection is out of the equation. But I can do love. Yes, I think I’ll be able to do that quite well.


Day 338: Love Letters

My husband gives me the most beautiful letters. The quote above is from one of the earliest letters he sent, back when he was courting me. I memorized it by heart, down to the details of the yellow envelope in came in. Years later, we got married and he continues to floor me with his words, written or otherwise. I am still so awed at how he sees me.

P.S. Letters are lovely.